Road Trip Rewarded

As we walked from the car and approached the South Rim of the Grand Canyon we could tell that there was something cool on the other side of the trees. There was something in the air which just screamed awesome. Or perhaps it was the 40 mph winds trying to blow our faces off. Either way we knew we were in for a treat. Once we got to the edge of the Canyon and bore witness to one of the most magnificent things we have ever seen… we knew instantly that we were staying here tonight. There was not enough time. In order to give either Zion or The Grand Canyon its due respect, we had to spend more than 1-2 hours at each. So, sorry Zion… we shall be back.

We started off by walking around the South Rim Trail for several hours. All in all we probably walked around 4-5 miles of back and forth exploring. We would deviate from the path and find an outcropping to go climb out to, or a ledge to have our photo taken on.. At one point Brian mentioned that it was humorous that we kept taking photos of the same thing over and over and over again. But as we discussed it further, it was because every time you looked, from every different direction, it was never the same. The light was different, the angle was different. The view itself was different. Not to mention the depth. The canyons stretched on forever and ever. In every direction. There were multiple layers, colors, formations… there was so much to it all that it is nearly impossible to describe

We then stepped into an observation center along the trail to pick up some gifts and a trail map of the trail that we are going to be hiking tomorrow morning. It was at this time that I realized that the debit card which had been financing this little cross country mission has seemingly vanished into thin air. Awesome. However, determined to not let it run my day or my trip or the fact that I was here, we carried on. Good thing too, because as we walked along, we came across Weird Al Yankovic. We were so determined to get to the next vantage point that we did not even realize it at first until about two minutes later. And by that point, we decided to not disturb him as he was with his family.

Overall the Grand Canyon is simply breathtaking. As we were walking back towards the car we were discussing it and I told Brian that there is nothing like staring into the Grand Canyon to make you realize just how significant you truly are in the grand scheme of things.

As I sit here on the bed of our Hotel about 10 minutes away from the Grand Canyon I am glad that we stayed – no more driving tonight; we are going to get some real hiking in and will be able to see the sunrise over the Canyon; and I have enough time to sit here and drink a few beers and eat some pizza and actually relax.

On to the Stats:

Total Miles: 415.5
Overall Average: 61.4 MPH
Moving Average: 74.2 MPH
Max Speed: 99.1 MPH
Moving Time: 5:36
Stopped Time: 1:10
Total Time: 6:46
Number of Times Pulled Over: 1
Number of other vehicles: 0


Don't forget to check out all of the phots at http://picasaweb.google.com/bpelletier2

Because its the Grand Canyon!

So the original plan was for Chris and I to drive to the Grand Canyon then up to Zion in Utah and spend the night. That all changed about 30 seconds after we arrived at the G.C. It is awesome! To say the pictures don't give it justice is more than an understatement, I think it was on the stone tablets that God gave Moses "Thou shalt not make light of the majesty of the G.C." Seriously though, viewing it for a couple hours before making our way to Utah simply would not be the right thing to do. So here we are in Grand Canyon, Arizona awaiting the sunrise so we can head down and get some hiking in. If I wasn't so tired the anticipation would be maddening.

Getting pulled over sucks, getting a ticket in a state I've never been to makes me feel like an awfully bad boy. Cops can be terribly unfair at times especially officer #5920 with the Arizona Highway Patrol. I tried showing him some cleave, but 5920 wasn't having it...at least he didn't try to haul me off to jail, usually with my luck that's exactly what would have happened. I'm accepting donations from anyboy who reads this and takes pity, please make your check payable to the State of Arizona in care of the coolest out of work radio newsman in the world, Award Winning Journalist Brian Pelletier.

On a happier note we'll be entering California for the first time tomorrow. The plan is to find a place warm enough to camp, but cold enough for snuggling. Ha! Before that and afer the hike, we'll be hitting up the Hoover Dam and Vegas. Should be a fun day!

The Maine Train Busted

Question: “Where you guys coming from?”
Answer: “Maine.”
Question: “Today?”
Answer: “Yes. Today. Ass.”

Okay, maybe the exchange did not go quite like that. But the officer who pulled us over did ask us if we left Maine today. Really? How about the fact that he asked us where we were going when the sign for the Grand Canyon on the off-ramp to the Grand Canyon was right in front of us. It was one of those moments where I wish that I had the stones to respond “Out to the desert to bury the body in the trunk”. Alas, I did not. I was not driving. So we ended up with a ticket for traveling between 15 and 20 miles over the 75 mile per hour speed limit (This would be pursuant to Section 28-70102A3 of the Arizona Penal Code for those of you keeping score at home). At any rate Officer 5920 was not an entire douche, but a little. He threw out the “You know you could be arrested for going that fast.” Really? You could be arrested for being such an ass. Okay, again not really said, but we should have!

Other than the run in with office friendly, who let the record show, is only the second cop that we have seen since Oklahoma City (such is our shitty luck), today has been largely uneventful. Driving through New Mexico was awesome. The weather was perfect and driving through in between the plateaus and mountains was beautiful. It was crazy to think that we were ranging from 5000-7000 feet above sea level along the drive and there were still mountains which towered over every thing reaching up several thousand more feet. Believe when I say that I am a true lover of hiking in Maine and am devoted to the Maine 500 and all the great natural wonders that Maine offers. But these mountains out here… yikes. It would be like comparing Bradbury Mountain to Mt. Katahdin. It was pretty breathtaking.

As far as Arizona goes, I call “Shenanigans!” on this state for not partaking in the joys and wonders of Day Light Savings Time. Not only did it mess up our universe in terms of scheduling ourselves and our time line (which is changing hour-to-hour at this point) but it also had the nerve to give us a speeding ticket.

I must add that one thing that I will take away from this trip forever, is how many different varieties and flavors of “nothing” that we have seen. As we move further and further west, it always changes. There is always nothing, but it is a different nothing. And I must hand it to Arizona in this regard. They have had by far the widest range of nothing that we have seen yet. Wide expanses of fields, huge swaths of brown arid dessert, massive sections of deep Mars like red rock, deep impenetrable forests, huge snow covered mountains, there has been a lot of nothing to see and that is actually pretty cool.

New Mexico Land of Construction

New Mexico, Land of Enchantment, as the welcome to sign proclaims. I must admit he scenery sure beats Oklahoma and the Texas panhandle. Mountains, plateaus, deserts, and sporadic settlements dot the landscape on either side of highway 40. We could see the silhouettes of the gigantic mountains before we settled into our hotel in Albuquerque last night. This morning the sun shed some light on our surroundings and it was absolutely stunning. The one bad thing about New Mexico is the construction. They’re about 205 Miles of I-40 crossing the northern part of the state. It seems like 200 of those miles are under some sort of construction that closes at least one lane, the other 5 miles, through Albuquerque, are closed. As you can expect that made for some less than smooth sailing.

Another highlight of the New Mexico experience was the continental divide. It wasn’t much just a rest stop with a nice view of some mountains, and the plateau, coupled with a gift shop and a sign proclaiming that it was, in fact, the divide. We didn’t spend too much time there but the gift shop did have more cacti that the entire I-40 corridor, which was disappointing. At least we got to see a few wild roadside cacti, even though they weren’t the big ones like you see in the roadrunner cartoons, or on that Aerosmith Album Cover.

To Flagstaff for lunch then the G-C. And for my South Portland friends out there that’s Grand Canyon, not Griffin Club!

Want To See Some More?

Before we get rolling with our recaps of the Grand Canyon, it occured to us that you might want to see all of the pictures that we have taken. If feel so inclined make your way over to http://picasaweb.google.com/bpelletier2 and see what's there!

Finally we are at the hotel in Albuquerque after another long day on the road. Although at least this time as we sit down and look at the map, there is a real sense of accomplishment. We left Maine about 80 hours ago and we are now half way through New Mexico.

After we crossed into Texas, the thing that struck me the most, was that in Texas you could see much further than you could in Oklahoma, the land was that much flatter! And, even though you could see much further, there was actually less to see. That was until we came across the “Largest Cross in the Western Hemisphere”. We initially saw from about six miles away as it was by far the tallest thing on the horizon. After that, it was back to farmland and burning up asphalt on our way to Amarillo for gas and food.

We ate dinner at a Sonic (a surprisingly underwhelming experience given all the hype) and continued on with Brian at the helm. This was where we first met out friend who we then referred to as “Texas” or “Our Friend from Texas”. He was a big red pickup truck that would pass us, then slow way down and drop off the face of the planet only to reappear about 35 minutes later when he blew by us standing still. Mind you for a vast majority of Texas and New Mexico, we had the cruise control on about 82. Well, we played the leapfrog game several times before I finally got sick of him and decided to blow by him once and for all. So channeling my inner Cole Trickle, I dropped the hammer and said, “See ya later, clown!” and all that was left behind was the sound of our laughter as we yelled loudly and repeatedly at the New Mexico night sky – “MOVE IT OR LOOSE IT! THE MAINE TRAIN IS COMING THROUGH! WOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO!”

Overall the drive was not too bad. It was mildly disappointing that it was night time because at one point, Hooters indicated that we were over 7000 feet above sea level and to watch scenery as we made that climb would have been pretty cool. To give you some perspective, Mount Washington is almost 6300 feet. We continued on through the New Mexico mountains lead by a crescent moon which helped light the way for us. We played leap frog a few more times with Texas until being forced off the highway unexpectedly when we were in Albuquerque. This is the second major city in the last two days which closed the major interstate that went through the middle of the city. Luckily we had Hooters who helped us to bring it on home. Now… it is time for sleep.

The End of Day Stats for Day Three:

Total Miles: 835.3
Overall Average: 63.5 MPH
Moving Average: 73.3 MPH
Max Speed: 99.3 MPH
Moving Time: 11:24
Stopped Time: 1:45
Total Time: 13:09
Number of Times Pulled Over: 0
Number of other vehicles: 1
# of Suspected HTs: 16

Oklahoma City is OK, and Where's My Cactus?

The day is winding down, we are fast approaching Las Vegas, no not the Vegas, Las Vegas, New Mexico, on our way to Albuquerque. We were certainly relieved to cross over into New Mexico and Mountain time. Hooters tells us that out currently altitude is 49-hundred feet. That’s nearly the height of Mount Kathadin Pretty amazing since we haven’t really noticed that we’ve been climbing.

Shortly after my last blog we swung by Oklahoma City to check out the sight of the Federal Building bombing. It was as an impressive of a sight as we’ve seen all day. A very fitting tribute to the 168 people that were needlessly murdered. It was 75 degrees and I’m sure that warm Oklahoma sun will leave this Franco-American lad a lovely shade of red. At least I wasn’t wearing my Speedo. After our stop in the city and an uncomfortable exchange with a man in need of some serious dental work (see Chris’s last post) we grabbed a couple of sammies and I wrestled with a plastic, life sized buffalo. I highly recommend you give it a try sometime.

The rest of Oklahoma took another 3 hours to drive through. We were overjoyed to arrive in Texas, until we realized it was Texas, flat you could see for miles, and there were lots of farms wind and regular. At least they didn’t charge us 7 dollars just to get through nothing like Oklahoma did. Chris have dubbed the Sooner State the Delaware of the west due to its pension for toll plazas that make no sense. Texas, on the other hand, provided the second coolest thing we saw all day the world’s largest cross. You could see it off the highway for about 6 miles, as it was the only thing taller than a house for about that distance.

We have yet to see our 1st cactus of the trip. That’s a disappointment, but that’s what we get for getting such a late start. We’re in New Mexico and its pitch black. Hopefully we’ll have a chance to see a few over the next 2 days. We’ll be in the Grand Canyon tomorrow, maybe Zion, maybe Vegas if there aren’t cactuses in any of those places I’m calling every tourist bureau in the South West United States to tell them about the class action lawsuit I’m about to file on behalf of cactus lovers everywhere. False advertising is terrible for the consumer. I learned that from my boy Ralph Nader.

“Oklahoma is the place for me!”

Yeah I don’t friggin’ think so. I feel like I have spent the last 7 years of my life in Oklahoma. The good news is that with a speed limit of 75 and wide open straight roads, there is nothing that they can do to stop us (outside of the 40 mile an hour winds and tumbleweeds that are being tossed at us).

While we were passing through the city we figured we should stop to visit the memorial for the Oklahoma City Bombing. Not the cheeriest of stops, but something that we thought we should check out while here. Because to be blunt I plan on never coming back to Oklahoma if I can ever help it.

Before heading out of the city, we stopped for some petrol and had our second odd yet kind of creepy and borderline funny interaction. As I was at the pump entering in the necessary information, I hear a voice behind me say “Y’all a laaaawwwwnnnnggg wwwwwweeeeeyyyy frim home ain’t yas?” I turned around and saw that I was staring at a just walked out of the film Deliverance. He was the type of fellow that made me afraid that he would kidnap me and lock me up in his basement forcing me to eat tapioca pudding and sing “Cats in the Cradle” his rabbits.

After a brief exchange of pleasantries and explaining to him that we were en route to California, he spun us a yarn about living in Los Angeles and how his kids grew up there and he loved working there as he made a ton of money. He then wrapped it up by loudly proclaiming “But my wife’s dead”. Umm… ok. After a quick display of empathy he responded with “Yeah it sucks.” And then walked into the store. Brian and I then made quick work of getting the hell out of OKC.

After that, the ride has been pretty calm outside of the high winds, the farm that was on fire (you could see the smoke billowing in the air for about 30 minutes before we even got there), tumbleweeds which we have been trying to avoid as they fly across the highway. I always kind of thought that they were fake. Nope. We watched an 18-wheeler collide with one and blow it to smithereens. Anyway, we’re done with Oklahoma and ready to take on Texas.

As of press time we were crossing into Texas. These are or stats as of 6:17 PM CT.

Overall Average: 62.8 MPH
Moving Average: 72.8 MPH
Max Speed: 92.9 MPH
Moving Time: 6:08
Stopped Time: 58 Minutes 46 Seconds
Total Time 7:08
Number of Times Pulled Over: 0
Number of other vehicles: 1
# of Suspected HTs: 9

Oklahoma is Not OK

The highway is surrounded by cows, the land is flatter than Kelly Ripa, and as my brother told me once, if your dog runs away you can watch it run for 3 days. That pretty much describes the terrain since Ohio, but the difference is the citizens of this God forsaken state believe they have the right to charge you for driving through it.

Really? What is in Oklahoma that is of any significance? At least Illinois has Chicago, Indiana-Indianapolis, and Missouri has a pretty impressive metal thingy sticking up from out of the ground, the only thing worth seeing in Oklahoma is the sight of the Oklahoma City Bombing, which is a horrible tragedy, just like the state it happened in. The only redeeming quality is the 75 MPH speed limit which they should boost to as fast as you car can go because once I’m outta here I promise I will NEVER come back.

Smooth sailing about an hour to OK City, lunch, then it’s a race to the Texas border.

Smuggling Bill

Bill. What a nice man. In that weird don’t let your children go near him unattended kind of way. Brian and I sat down to our breakfast this morning when Bill walked up and decided he wanted to sit with us. He was an older gent and definitely fit every preconceived notion that you had about the “average hick”. Not wanting to miss an opportunity to chat this man up I began conversing with him. If I only knew then, what I knew now. As I started to get into the meat of the conversation, Brian had to duck out to speak with Candace. Good thing too.

You see, pretty much everyone we have spoken to about our trip has replied with something like this: “Wow! Cross country driving from Maine to California! Good for you guys! Good luck in California! Safe travels!” Instead this is how it went down:

Bill: “What brings you guys through these parts?”
Me: “My friend Brian is moving to California. We left Maine two days ago and are headed to San Francisco”.
Bill: “Why the hell does he want to go to California? We are moving away from California because it is so terrible”
Me: (five seconds of uncomfortable silence) “Well, Brian’s lady lives in San Fran and he is moving to be with her.”
Bill: “Oh.” (20 seconds of silence) “Do they have kids?”
Me: “No.”
Bill: “Well then he shouldn’t go there. Everyone hates it there”.
Me: “Okay then. I have to leave now. Continued safe travels”

Maybe I need to rethink how cool it will be to meet people on this trip.

On a different note, Brian was Googling things to look at and see along the I-40 Corridor from Oklahoma to Albuquerque and came across a site that says “Along the I-40 corridor east from Albuquerque to Amarillo, Texas, I observed 37 suspected profile loads of human cargo driven by smugglers.”

Most people try and play the “Badiddle” Game or the License Plate Game. I did not realize that Spot the Smuggler was a game too. Apparently you have to do what you have to do when driving through 600 miles of corn field.

We are off to make I-40 our bitch.

Truck Stops, Porn Shops and Churches

That pretty much sums up the drive through Missouri tonight. All that we drove through were towns with 7 truck stops, 3 porn related business and 9 churches – punctuated by 30 minutes of nothing.

Saint Louis was interesting. While I knew that the Arch was going to be pretty big, I had no idea just how big. We found parking directly underneath the Arch right along the bank of the Mighty Mississippi. The Arch was so big, we ended up having to walk nearly a half mile away just to get the entire thing in one photograph. It was pretty spectacular. For the first time I felt like what others feel like when they look up at me. I am also glad that we were able to see it at night with the lights shining on it. The arch appeared to be that much more impressive as it was towering over us reaching far into the night sky.

After running around the park for a bit, we then hopped back into our noble steed to make off like bandits robbing a train. But not with out seeing if we locate the Budweiser Brewery. No such luck. Hooters did not have it listed in her “Attractions” menu and because I left my blackberry at home, we did not have a quick reference to locate it. We did have a listing for the St. Louis Brewery which we drove by in the off chance that it was it. However the place looked like it doubled as mob joint. Afraid that we would be instructed to go find our shine box, we decided to move on. The time was getting late and we had another 3:00-4:00 hour leg to go.

After wasting about 30 minutes driving around the city of St. Louis in desperate search of I-44 things finally got underway. Brian took us through the first part of the state getting us over to Rollah where we stopped at around 11:00 for some dinner. I then took over driving duties until we finally landed in Springfield, MO.

Overall though, I am pleased with our progress and happy that we are in Springfield tonight. Tomorrow is a huge day – we are pushing on all the way to the Grand Canyon (or at least trying to) so we can see the sunrise there. That’s the plan anyway. We shall see if we can execute it.

On to the stats for day two:

Total Miles Traveled: 769.8

Total Time for the Trip: 13 Hours 17 Minutes

Total Driving Time: 11 Hours 09 Minutes

Total Stoppage Time: 2 Hours 07 Minutes

Top Speed: 88.7 Miles Per Hour

Average Moving Speed: 69.0 Miles Per Hour

Overall Average Trip Speed (including Stoppage Time): 58.0 Miles Per Hour

Number of Times Pulled Over: 0

Number of Other Vehicles Pulled Over: 4

Freshly Squeezed Through the Gateway to The West

Starting a 12 and a half hour drive at noon is a bad idea, mostly because its a really long drive. Towards the end of it all you want to do is go as fast as possible to get to your destination, in this case Springfield, Mo, but your eyes end up getting so damn heavy that you fear you may do a little drifting if you go too fast. Its a wonder why so many truckers are hooked on amphetamines.

St. Louis was great! The Arch is gigantic, t-v, movies, even our pictures don't do it justice. If you haven't seen the gateway to the west in person, check it out sometime. It is certainly a sight for sore eyes after making it through the landmarkless plains of Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Not that those states don't have their own cool things to look at, but The Arch is an American Icon, just like yours truly!

Tomorrow is certain to be the longest day of our journey car-wise. The plan is to launch ourselves to the Grand Canyon by sunrise Tuesday for all the romance 2 straight men can handle. Not sure if that'll actually happen but if you don't shoot for the stars, you'll just end up howling at the moon. I think Yogi Berra once said that, any you all know how I love quoting Yankees!

Where the Effingham am I?

One of the questions that I was hoping to answer last night was “Does Cleveland Rock?” And while I can not say with 100% certainty that it does rock ((due to lack of time not lack of activities), we were off to a good start. There’s a seemingly vibrant nightlife area (which we did not even scratch the surface of), We also walked around and did not feel the need to wear Kevlar. And of course they have the Rock and Roll HOF.

As Brian referenced earlier, while he was giggling at the ridiculous clothes and at the size that Aretha used to be, I was intensely scrutinizing every inch of every guitar and bass that I could find. It was also cool to see hand written lyrics on hotel stationary, various contracts that artists have signed and they even had the Cub Scout uniform of Jim Morrison (he was docked one point on his uniform inspection due to sloppy trousers). But it was also really cool to see how they are building the history and origins of Rock and Roll – all the way back to the 20s, 30s and 40s – Woody Guthrie, Robert Johnson, Howlin’ Wolf, etc. It was pretty fascinating.

After we left Cleveland we knew we would have a long day a head of us. Brian drove for the first several hours getting us the rest of the way through Ohio and driving through some real nasty rain storms. We then switched it up in a border town where I had the distinct pleasure of taking advantage of the 70 MPH speed limit. The scenery can be descried very simply: farm, farm, farm, farm, Indianapolis, farm, farm, farm State Line However, the added bonus was the faster speed limit, where I accidentally set a max speed of 88.6mph. Oops. I drove us to the halfway point of Illinois – Effingham, IL. The gas station we stopped at had t-shirts for sale which said (among other things) “Where the Effingham am I?”; “Illinois – Where our Governors make our license plates”; “Illinois – The State of Corruption”.

For now, it is back to chasing the sun across the countryside listening to the Guitar Hero Radio Station. St. Louis here we come!

Busy Sunday

Today began with sunny skies in Cleveland. We walked the 5 or so city blocks from our hotel to Lake Erie, then on to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Which was super cool. Chris is the bassist for local super basement group the Este Ruggland Band, so he gravitated toward the guitars, while being a fashion plate, I was drawn to the clothes. There was a really cool cape that Mick Jagger wore that consisted of an American Flag and Union Jack stitched together. There is also a fantastic history of music listening exhibit, which features everything to phonographs to I-pods and batteries that weighed 5 pounds to the rechargeable watch battery sized things that run some of today’s mp3 players.

We left Cleveland at noonish, hit a hard and fast rain storm about half an hour later and another one before we even got to Columbus. After Columbus the land started getting really flat and more and more farms are speckling the landscape. People say the farms are boring, but I’m not sick of them yet. Its different from pine trees, forest, or the city scape we’ve become accustomed to.

After chowing down in Brookvile, Oh, we went Indy 500 on Indiana where the speed limit is 70 and some guy named Tom Raper sells RV’s and isn’t afraid to plaster his name, on giant billboards next to I-70. Another thing I learned about Indy is that the Lucas Oil Center, home of the Colts, is next to a toxic waste treatment facility. No wonder why the Colts make us hold our noses.

If you are unfamiliar with our Inaugural blog, Chris, Gordo, and I affectionately nicknamed the GPS “Hooters” on our way to D. C. Cheers to the folks who built Hooters because as soon as we crossed into the Central time zone and the state of Illinois her time automatically kicked back an hour. Thumbs down however to the folks at General Motors as my car clock needed to be manually turned back. No wonder why GM needs the bailout buckets. To St. Louis….

We Found the Beer... at the Winking Lizard.

Nothing caps off a long day of traveling like a couple of big ass beers. We tried two of the local neighborhood establishments and the first one pretty much sucked. It played shitty music, was empty and the bar tender was a complete ass. We slammed down our beers in desperate need to shake the Kelly Clarkson noise which was clanging in our ears. What we came across further down Prospect Street was the The Winking Lizard.

This place was pretty cool apparently there are a chain of these places around Ohio. It had a HUGE beer selection with over a hundred different beers available between bottle and draft. We opted for the Cleveland based Great Lakes Brewing. To help with the beer, we also grabbed a basket of spicy BBQ wings which were incredibly messy and equally as awesome. Although 15 hours in the car tomorrow might end up proving that decision was a mistake.

If you find yourself kicking around Ohio and come across The Winking Lizard it is worth a try, at least to have a beer! Additionally try and hunt down some Great Lakes Brewing beers… just don’t try to buy a six pack of it in Pennsylvania.

http://www.winkinglizard.com/
http://www.greatlakesbrewing.com/

Where Oh Where Has Our Beer Gone?

Finally we are at our Hotel in Cleveland – the lovely Hampton Inn Cleveland Downtown. It is amazing how an entire day on the road can wear you out! Luckily due to our perseverance and fortitude we made it to Cleveland where we hope to discover between tonight and tomorrow… does Cleveland in fact rock? Prior to us going out to find the answer, here are the stats and yet another reason to wonder why Pennsylvania is still a part of the Union...

This will probably not surprise anyone who has been through here before, but the lowlight of the day was definitely Pennsylvania. I was kind of surprised in a way, because we really were not in Pennsylvania for all that long so there was not much time to screw things up. But they sure did in spades. One of our goals as we cross this great country of ours, is to grab a six pack of local-ish beers from different spots as we travel through. We figured that we can have one or two a piece and then bring the rest to San Francisco to have a Beers of the Nation evening when Ben and Noreen arrive next weekend.

Weeeelll….. despite the fact that one can enter a store in Pennsylvania and purchase Fireworks, Guns, Ammo, Karate Weapons, Knives, Swords and other explosives (and probably hookers and blow too for all we know) you are NOT allowed to by “just a six pack”. Upon further discussion with the lady at the special beer depot that we had to seek out, you can not buy a 12 pack either. You can only buy 24 at a time! Now, back home while an inconvenience at times probably would not warrant much of a problem. However, when you are on a 4,000 mile journey in a car already overflowing with stuff, packing in 2 twelve packs is not really an option. Not to mention that we had never had the beer before so if it tasted like shit, than we were stuck with 24 nasty ass beers which no one would want.

Upon explanation of our dilemma and imploring her to at least let us purchase a 12er, the woman did offer a counter arrangement which she truly thought would help us in our desperate time of need – “I can sell you a warm 12er and a cold 12er. Will that help?”

(Insert about 12 seconds of confused silence here)

We left.

Now we shall never know how that Erie Brewing Co. beer would taste… stupid Pennsylvania. Maine may not allow you to purchase instruments of death when you go grocery shopping, but at least we can buy a friggin’ sixer…

Anyway on to the stats and then we are hunting down beer from the tap:


Total Miles Traveled: 802
Total Time for the Trip: 13 Hours 31 Minutes
Total Driving Time: 10 Hours 49 Minutes
Total Stoppage Time: Two Hours 42 Minutes
Top Speed: 86.8 Miles Per Hour
Average Moving Speed: 74.1 Miles Per Hour
Overall Average Trip Speed (including Stoppage Time): 59.4 Miles Per Hour.
Number of Times Pulled Over: 0
Number of Other Vehicles Pulled Over: 11

Niagara Falls, Pennsylvania Sucks, and Brian the Philosopher

We're in Cleveland baby!!! Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tomorrow before hitting the road for another long day.

Niagara Falls was beautiful. We visited the American side exclusively, because while the Canadian side probably had the better view (opposite of the falls), we decided that the American side was the only side done right. A state park with walkways along side the river and bridges over the rushing rapids were as beautiful as the falls themselves. While over in Canada falls watchers gathered on a patch of grass the size of my dad's front lawn in the shadow of hideous casino sky scrapers, a ridiculous looking Ferris wheel, and a knock off of the Seattle Space Needle. Leave it to Canada to turn a piece of natural beauty into Disney land for degenerate adults.

As Chris explained in his second blog, Pennsylvania sucks! You have to buy beer in 24 packs from a special beverage store, unless you buy it from a bar. What the hell are they Utah's renegade younger brother?

And finally "time is like a beard"-THINK ABOUT IT!

Shotgun Observations

Greetings from the Edge of Nowhere – Schulyer Service Area, New York.

After wolfing down some breakfast courtesy of Ben at we hit the road at 6:42 AM ET. At 6:43 AM ET Brian reminded him that his AAA Membership did help cover small amounts of Bail should the occasion arise where we need to use it.

For the first leg today Brian is our Pilot with me the First Mate in charge of journal entries, recording various statistics, passing out the snacks and flipping off the stupid people who get in our way. So far the trip has been very pleasant and we have been making decent time. As of press time here are our current stats:

Total Miles Traveled: 347.7
Total Time for the Trip: 5 Hours 6 Minutes
Total Driving Time: 4 Hours 50 Minutes
Total Stoppage Time: 16 Minutes
Top Speed: 86.8 Miles Per Hour
Average Moving Speed: 71.8 Miles Per Hour
Overall Average Trip Speed (including Stoppage Time): 68.1 Miles Per Hour.
Number of Times Pulled Over: 0
Number of Other Vehicles Pulled Over: 6

Our Current ETA to Niagara Falls is +/- 3:20 PM ET. Then it is on to Cleveland.

Overall the trip has been progressing well and I hope that we have continued success moving forward. This is aided by the weather being great (after a very foggy start) and traffic has been pretty light. Additionally with the assistance of Ben’s EZ-Pass we have not had to deal with any of those pesky Toll Booth workers. Probably the biggest hiccup in the adventure has been leaving Tebucky behind (my bad). So instead we are joined by the Flying Monkey who is looking forward to wreaking havoc across the United States.

Maine, NH, Mass Down...

Chris and I have made terrific time thus far. Our calculations have us arriving in Niagara falls in time to take some sexy day lit pictures for our legion of blog readers. I have not been to the falls since I was 3 so I'm really looking forward to re-experiencing their majestic beauty.

As I write I'm sitting in a "historic" rest stop in Utica, NY. We didn't stop for the "history" that happened here, rather it is likely the last vestige where we can buy gas before we ran completely out and thought it might be able to devour a couple of quarter pounders at the Mickey D's before everyone decided it was time for lunch.

Saying good bye to my dad this morning was tough, and heading over the fog covered Piscatiqua River Bridge into New Hampshire was also pretty sad because that's the last we'll see of Maine for a while. I may be shedding some tears for the place I will always consider my home, but my liver says good riddance.

Final Goodbyes

Its been an awe inspiring 24 hours. Last night I invited some people over to Thatcher's in South Portland for one final happy hour. People showed up in waves, 40-50 of them over the course of a few hours. Some from work, some from college, new friends, old friends, people I only sort of like but I tolerate because they only kind of smell. (Well maybe not the last one but I'm sure you get the picture.) It was really great to see everyone.

Today the old man cooked breakfast, I snuck back into PRG one last time to say "see ya" to the news staff, ran some errands, had lunch with the family at Ricetta's, and I'm about to finish packing. Talk about a busy day. I feel really weird today. Happy, depressed, anxious, self assured, excited, exhausted, prepared, but not ready are all emotions that I've experienced within the last hour. I am totally overwhelmed with the outpour of well wishings and the man it sucks your leavings. Its time to go, but a piece of me will always remain here.


Funnier and more adventurous posts to come, I promise!

Going Away Bash

Saturday night kicked off 2 weeks of festivities that will ultimately lead to the door step of my new home. My first mate for the cross country roadie, Chris, and our buddy Ben threw a sensational party for me which began with dinner at Bull Feeney's. The crab stuffed haddock is a dish I highly recommend. After dinner and a few drinks the real party started, I was given a bag that contained a cornucopia of dollar store items, a t-shirt with my face on it, and my personal favorite, underwear with my grill plastered to the front.

Chris and Ben ended up developing a check list that looked somewhat like this...

Car Bomb at Feeney's
Jell-o Shot at Foreplay
Chug a beer at 3 Dollar Dewey's
Tequila Shot at Oasis
PBR at Amigos
Give Wally's # to a random chick
Bonus: Give directions to his house
Jagerbombs after midnight
Pizza at Bills

Everyone was handed a piece of paper with the list on it and for good measure the checklist was printed on the back of my new t-shirt, most people were really excited to get to work on it.

The night was certainly eventful...The blow-up Monkey that has become a fixture at so many of our parties the past few years went crowd surfing at Foreplay. A guy with a mohawk tried to give me a weggie at 3 Dollar 's (thanks Megs and Ana). The shot of tequila was totally unnecessary. People were throwing darts at a picture of me at Amigos. Then we ended up at the Cactus Club, that place is a dark moist crevice on the Portland Bar scene. When I walked up to the door a gentleman leaving that bar puked in his own hands, that was an omen of the atrocity to come. Soon after taking our Jagerbomb shots, the 3 toothed pole dancers that work there started violating the Island Monkey. Doing dirty deeds with him until one of the patrons got insanely jealous ripped the monkey off the bar and popped him. We got over it in time for Bill's and Chris has since patched up our friend. But he'll never be quite the same.

The Ponies Are Getting Saddled Up

View Larger Map

My quest to the west is almost set to begin. I'm not planning on bringing much, the clothes in my closet, a few valuable trinkets, my car, and what would a cross country road trip to San Francisco be without a trustworthy partner in crime? Chris B. is certainly up to the task. He proved it on our journey to the Inauguration in Washington D. C. earlier this year. 10 and a half hours in a car to Woodbridge, Virginia, felt like we had been through everything together. We stumbled to and through The Red Dog Saloon in Ct, the lovely smells of New Jersey, and the 3rd circle of hell (a.k.a. Delaware) on our way to history and came out alive.

This time we'll be avoiding the 3rd circle, Jersey and other east coast delights in favor of places with more natural beauty, The Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, and the Budweiser Brewery in St. Louis, Mo. The plan is to leave on March 28th and rendezvous with Ben, Noreen, and Candace in San Fran on April 3rd. I view blog as an Oreo Cookie filling, only without the sugar high, and a lot more messy. The map above is our tentative route.